Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Were it not for the way you taught me to look/ at the world, to see the life at play in everything,/ I would have to be lonely forever.

2011-05-02T00:41:00.001-04:00

- Ted Kooser, "Mother"

I never know what to do on Mother's Day. It was never a big thing in our family, but Mom usually got some displays of affection and a homemade card or two. So while the day is not a horribly painful reminder (see: Christmas, Easter, her birthday, my birthday), it does make me wish that we could celebrate together.

Last year on Mother's Day, I decided to actually do something: I sent cards to my grandmothers. By Mother's Day this year, they are both dead. On one hand, aren't I glad that I did something sweet last year? On the other, well, then, right back atcha, Mother's Day, ugghhhhhh.

A pre-emptive happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there, and a big hug to my stepmomma, but I am back to sitting this one out.

Now when I say "hey," y'all say Mama

2011-04-07T17:12:00.001-04:00

- Kanye West

Yesterday, my brother started counting all the people that he has known who have died in the last 6 or so years that he's been with his wife. We hit eight in our count, and I'm pretty sure that we missed at least one person. In the meantime, no one in his wife's circle of friends has died. Seven of those were our relatives, so in the past six years, seven people that I have loved, and who have loved me, have died. If you're related to me, you might want to start drinking some wheatgrass or something.

I don't mind death. I get it. It's the circle of life, and those beloved deceased are in happier, healthier places than they were in their final suffering moments on Earth. I prayed very very hard for my mother not to suffer for very long; and I know she suffered, but she woke up asking my brothers to come to dinner one morning and died that night. The speed remains a consolation to me, if no one else. [Thanks for that, btw, big guy]

But I do mind being left behind. I mind it very much. I am quickly running out of people I can call when I need a swift kick in the pants. And the grief and loss require a lot of prayer on my part; I really can't take any more work on top of my current courseload. So if y'all could stop kicking the bucket, that would be great.

Visible horizon: right where it starts it ends

2011-03-31T12:20:00.000-04:00

- Phoenix

I always get so schmaltzy when I write here. I guess that's okay, though; if you guys are in it for THE LOLZ, there are plenty of other websites. That said:

Nothing makes me happier than when my dad says that he's proud of me. He has been forced to grow a lot in the last four (FOUR?!) years since my mom died, and we have grown a lot as a pair. A lot of things could have gone wrong, or at least not gone well; but with a commitment to each other and faith in God, he and I have a real father-daughter relationship. This is not condescending: I'm proud of his pride in me, I'm proud of him as a person, and I'm happy that this is our life. We did good work. Add in my brothers and their wives and all the things they have undertaken since Mom died (so. many. baby. boys!) - the family has been through a lot, and we have done it together. We made it work.

My stepmother and her family are a happy addition to that "together," absolutely. They have been so willing to form a new family with us, even though I'm all moody and emotionally battered, my dad's all sad about this other woman (my brothers are nicer/more easy going than Dad and I) and, this is true of all of us: we're not dog people.

I still have bad/sad/frustrating/wallow-y days (see: entire blog). I still have plenty to work on. Some days, I strongly resemble a hot mess. But to see where Ann's family is today, knowing where we were and where we could so easily be: we have been good teammates to each other, and that made this process easy.

Which makes us lucky birds.

You can go your own way

2011-03-19T09:46:00.000-04:00

- Flooetwood Mac

Do you ever have those moments when you realize that your life is a little like Sliding Doors, where you make the choice to get on the train but wonder what would happen if you'd missed it?

I don't like those moments. I have made my choices; my life is fine on the bad days and awesome stellar on the good ones. But I'm human, and every time I look back and see one of those forks in the road that might have changed my life, I wonder.

My grad school institution is filled with a flurry of families on tours today - it's a beautiful day to be in the Fens, they are lucky. And I should be working on my paper, or my paper, or my poster presentation, or my reading. But I'm stopping for a moment to think about the fork and the choice and the path. I don't think 9 years counts as "somewhere ages and ages hence," but I am a little sorry that I could not travel both. I wish I knew what happens.

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

2011-03-17T00:27:00.001-04:00

- Paul McCartney & Wings (my fave version, sorry Glee kids)

I realized recently that this coming April would have been Mom's 60th birthday. I can't stop planning the party for her in my head; and then I try to remind myself that (a) would I really have thrown her a party if she were alive? and (b) moot point, move along.

My planning-clearing thoughts are not working.

In my party planning, I have realized that my mom never ate my baking; we used to make her standards together, but I really starting pounding baked goods out after she died, while I was roadtripping. So I would make her a cake that my dad wouldn't eat - something French-inspired and light on the chocolate, like a good olive oil cake with a fruit-and-lavendar compote. And I would throw a party in our swampy backyard for all our crazy Southern family, and our crazy Western family, and our lovely Coast Guard family. For that party, chocolate cake would be required. 60th birthdays seem like a good reason for multiple cakes. We would all eat cake and drink martinis and laugh with Ann together.

It would have been a great party.

I dream of circles perfect

2011-03-14T23:38:00.000-04:00

- Eddie Vedder

What I'm going to say might insult those of you with children, but I'm willing to risk it, because it's true: Grad school is very very similar to having a baby, minus all that racket. (I love babies, I swear) But it's physically exhausting; there is not enough time in any day; I'm never entirely sure that what I'm doing is right - thankfully, it mostly is, but sometimes I slip and fall or choke a little on something. Mealtime is optional and usually grabbed on the fly - if I'm lucky I can put something together that resembles an appropriate diet, but my reliance on Clif bars is real, and it's embarrassing.

I'm not saying this to be whiny, or so that you feel sorry for me, or as a segue to WOE IS THE DAY. None of that. My dad had two sons and a daughter on the way when he earned his first TWO engineering Masters degrees; I know I have it easy. Also, I love Clif bars and am grateful that my friends Target and Trader Joe's sell em on the cheap; I love my grad program; I love the taste of every pie that I'm currently sticking my fingers in.

Just: be gentle, okay? We don't get a lot of sleep, or nourishment, or leisure time, and we're worried about the job climate and becoming worthwhile professionals. This ends today's PSA.

A likely story, but leave a message and I'll call you back

2011-03-10T19:11:00.000-05:00

- No Doubt

Three tales from my disjointed life these days sit below. They're not the whole story, but they are chasing each other in my brain today.

I.
My phone never wants to work. It disconnects calls. It has JavaScript errors that fell its skills for days. DAYS! This is why I never buy cheap things; I pay for it. And pay for it. I get it, universe, and I'll spend however much the iPhone or top-notch Blackberry costs when I can upgrade. In 2012. I refuse to spend the $400 for an iPhone now, especially when my dad's sending emails about the poverty of America. So I pay for that phone, that itself was an upgrade. And pay for it.

II.
I think March 10 might be one of my dad's top 5 least favorite days of the year. It is my parents' wedding anniversary; my mother, ever the non-conformist (a teen in the 60s who didn't like the Beatles or do drugs), had a Catholic wedding during Lent. In an alternate universe, my parents are celebrating their 32nd anniversary with "conveyances" - no kidding, apparently 32nd anniversaries merit a car or bike exchange? Skateboards?

III.
Today, I saw two little boys out jogging. They couldn't have been even 10 years old; they were wearing nearly matching outfits; and they were out for a nice after-school run (it was 4:30ish). I immediately thought of Thing 1 and Thing 2. No one else noticed them; I saw no other flabbergasted looks, like the one that was undoubtedly pasted to my face. Seeing them, I wanted to write. Fiction. Immediately. Instead, I continued my walk home and made a note in my little writing book.

One day, that novel of mine is going to be really good, in the manner of Olive Kittridge but with more Sir Toby and Dr. Seuss-like characters.

We can always play by ear

2011-02-13T14:16:00.000-05:00

-Shakira

I'm having some balance issues lately. Physical ones - I could do with a lot more yoga in my life, and I've been drinking too much caffeine.

But I'm having problems with the other kinds of balance, too. School and life; reality and optimism; sleep and activity. I'm not really sure what balance means for me. Serious question: What does balance mean for you? Or do sane people just give up on balance, because it's like chasing the Holy Grail?

While we're talking about this sort of thing: what does happiness really mean, really look like? Especially for a grad student. How do they work? Are they even worth pursuing? Because happiness and balance are very far away from me; and yet, that doesn't mean that I'm a sad sack or all bi-polar manic. It just means that I'm busy, and that I giggle sometimes, smile others, and growl in between. Maybe this is balance?

All these questions might mean that I should have taken more philosophy classes. But I can't stomach that mumbojumbo; I prefer to remember to trust in God and get on with it.

No one does it like you.

2011-02-05T09:55:00.001-05:00

- Department of Eagles

Sometimes I wonder why this blog exists and then I remember: this is the record of my loss. That continues. Into perpetuity it seems.

My father is a loving dad who is so proud of me; he says it sometimes, but he doesn't have to, because I know that he loves me and that he's proud of me. He has a great wife, who loves me and is proud of me and happily tells me so. My brothers, 26 years after I became their little sister, still take care of me and would do anything for me; their wives are blessings. My friends hold up my arms, Moses and Aaron style, long after my energy is gone and until it returns.

But I just can't help it. I know my life is a testament to my mother's; she taught me everything she could, and told me things that she couldn't teach. I know she would be proud of me. But I miss the everyday. I miss the cards in the mail. I miss hearing her voice. I miss mother-daughter time. My mother and I were good about celebrating each other in that mother-daughter way.

And I know I can't have it back; so I don't covet other women's relationships with their mothers. But I miss everything that my mother was for me.

Sorry I'm not home right now, I'm walking into spiderwebs

2011-01-25T22:08:00.000-05:00

- No Doubt

Some days I just don't know what to say here. So I blog about how I don't know if I want to blog. Ahhh the joys of authorship.

Want to know what it's like to be a graduate student? Tomorrow I will be at the gym at 7am; at my volunteer job from 9am to noon; at my on-campus job from 1 to 5; at a meeting from 5:30 to 6; at class from 6 to 9. This? This is awesome. Wait, no it's not, it makes me tired just looking at my calendar. Somehow I have to slip in a side meeting or two in there so that I get stuff done.

Dad, when it takes me three days to call you back? This is why. Who has the energy to talk with days like tomorrow on the docket? Not this introvert.

And for all you people who wish you were in grad school, or back in grad school? (Like my roommate, who somehow has two Masters but no idea how hard grad school can be apparently) To quote Wedding Crashers: "You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!"

This morning, I woke up, feeling brand new; I jumped up, feeling my highs and my lows in my soul

2011-01-21T22:35:00.000-05:00

- Talib Kweli

Being back in Boston is strange. My roommates' previous roomance (a portmanteau of roommate and romance, forgive me) has worn off a bit, probably thanks to the snow; the sidewalks are crowded with snow and ice and second-semester seniors; I have started a new field-related blog; my responsibilities at school have shifted; and, in all, I find myself having to control the daily events of my life more than ever. Woo! AmIright?

If I can handle this semester's responsibilities well, I think there might be hope for me as a professional.

And yet, my goals for the semester include getting more exercise; drinking more red wine; consuming a steady diet of dance parties; and securing a much-sought-after internship. No pressure, then. Should be a breeze.

A moment for love stories: In life

2011-01-18T23:00:00.002-05:00

I know a bit about my parents' narrative of love - my mother was a young, single mother with a strong sense of self; my dad was a young Academy grad with a strong sense of self. They have both been pretty honest about their young relationship. They knew each other for years before they got engaged, and my mother thought that she'd finally found the dealbreaker: my dad said he loved her kid but he didn't want any others. Lucky for everyone, especially me and my red hair, he changed his mind!

A lovely thing: auntie L saved some of the letters that my mother wrote to her, when they were both young women. I guess my aunt L was asking a lot of love-related questions of her older-by-four-years sister. Mom shines in these letters; I remember this woman, albeit a wiser and calmer version. But I love my mother's outlook on love as a 20-something; first as a single woman, then as a single mother, then as a married-with-children. It's possible that I love it because it's mine, because she taught me everything she could.

Words on dating & love, from Ann - words that my friends and I repeat to each other, decades after our mothers said (and wrote) them:

The thing I cherish most in life is liking myself, because if I don't even like me, how can I expect someone else going to respect me?
Sharp guys never underestimate sharp girls.
I'll bet my prettiest dress that he's fascinated by you but he feel he's got to get his destiny going.
For the insomnia, say the rosary - nothing will put you to sleep faster and besides, they say it's good for the soul. I use it to keep the beasties away.
I got stood up last night. I was livid for about five minutes (short attention span) and then I realized that it doesn't really matter to me that he may not like me because I happen to like me (pretty much) and respect me (a lot). ... No fun until the wound heals a little and I can fight like a wild cat again.
What he gives, he gets back in kind, a hundred-fold. Not really, but it sounds good.
He has had sufficient opportunity to take charge and he hasn't given it a gutsy go. LET GO! If you're meant to be together, then nothing can prevent it.
Hang in there if he's what you want.
I know the capability is there, but when will he use it?
[something about being thankful God's in charge] If it were me planning things, I would have perished a long time ago.
Women need strong character just as much as men do. More, how are we going to improve on what has come before if we don't get to the beasties?

A moment for love stories: In the press

2011-01-17T23:08:00.001-05:00

Love stories seem essential to the human condition - I think that stories in general, actually, are something essential to humans. I could probably spend a decade getting some sort of PhD and conducting research on whether stories are uniquely human, but that doesn't really matter here. We're humans, and we tell stories to get ourselves and others up the hills and through the vallies of life.

But today is about love stories, because I'm 26 and single and this is what we single young women discuss amongst ourselves and think about, when we're not getting our professional lives together.

I've read two stories online recently about love; they are both worth reading in the face of Valendtine's Day. I always question the veracity of stories: people remember life in shades of gold so frequently. But the fact remains that, for these two couples, this is their narrative of love:

Tom Ford & Richard Buckley: I don't often hear about same-sex relationships, so this was a reminder that sexual preferences don't rewire our search for companionship and partnership. They say lots of interesting and insightful things, but I like this from Tom Ford: "Every time you think, I love you, I really believe you have to say it." I believe. I'll try, Mr. Ford.
Peter Smith's Mom & Dad: Nope, I don't know them. But the mom makes an excellent point: "How could you not marry a man who could recite Hamlet on a road in Ohio when it was 110 degrees?"

Part two is coming up: stories of love from my mother, just before she became a (single) mother, and then before she became a wife.

Day 17: Lesson learned

2011-01-12T14:34:00.000-05:00

What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? -Tara Weaver

In 2010, I learned that my friends are my bread and butter; my family are my hitching post; and that I don't want to be far from these two groups of lovely people, ever. This is the end of a dream to travel extensively as a crazy young person, but I'm getting older anyway. My grandmother is probably hmrumping - "every stranger is a future friend, dear." And I believe her, but without the stability and love of my favorites, I'm lost.

I might change my mind, get married, and run off to Dubai or Ireland or Madagascar. But marriage is the only thing that's going to change my mind about that, I think. Unless everyone in my family dies, in which case, no one will ever see me again because I'll move to a hut in the Tetons and only be accessible via snow mobile.

You might think I'm being shirty about this, but I'm not. All of the above is truth. NEXT.

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

The Truth

2011-01-09T22:30:00.003-05:00

Since it's the last Sunday of Christmas (and at Christmas, you tell the truth*), I thought now would be a good time to empty my brain of some honest thoughts and questions I've been juggling lately:

- Why do I need so much physical history around me? Why am I so scared of forgetting, or moving on from the beloved past?
- When does being honest to who I am turn into selfish and uncompromising behavior?
- Do my friends love me because of my unflinching honesty, or in spite of it?
- How can I bridge the gap between being aware of my flaws and overcoming them?
- Can a person from three generations of root-less-ness learn to grow them and give up nomadism?

I have a lot of questions. I wish that 2011 would hold the answers to them all, but I'm afraid that a long and winding road stands between me and mental clarity. That's what life is made of, I guess. Winding roads, interspersed with reality TV show marathons.

*Ask anyone who has seen Love Actually.

Day 18: Try

2011-01-08T23:24:00.000-05:00

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it? -Kaileen Elise

What don't I want to try? Prostitution, I suppose. Hard drugs, even though one of my friends tried to convince me that I should as part of the road trip. In the context of my life as it stands, there are some things that I'd like to try and that 2010 might had given me the opportunity, had I played my cards differently.

But I stand by my mantra: the things that I go for and get or don't get, the things that I don't go for at all - these gets and non-gets make me who I am. I'm lovable but flawed. I'm a work in progress. I reach for the stars, or don't, and I frequently trip into the gutter (well, more than I'd like to admit).

In 2011, I'm going to remind myself that (a) I am what I am, Popeye style, and (b) If I work hard at it, I can have everything that I want. But check the gutters, just in case...

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 19: Healing

2011-01-08T23:18:00.000-05:00

What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? -Leoni Allen

I'm not sure that I was healed this year. I think I learned a lot about myself from December 2008 through December 2009/January 2010. But 2010 was a real rollercoaster ride for me, not least because it ended with me throwing myself into the deep end of grad school. The wounds I encountered or bruises that are hanging about - my aunt's death, my grandmother's death, my time spent with my family and working to feel comfortable with this whole new family - are not going to get much healing love in grad school, I think.

So, in 2011, I'd love to be healed. Full body, like Steve Allen does in that movie Leap of Faith. "BE HEALED!" But, realistically, I'll keep the bar low. I'd like to just keep plugging away at school, healing on the side with laughter and friends and awesome internships. If you build it, the healing will come. (I don't know if that's true, but I'll let you know when I've discovered the truth.)

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 24: Everything's OK

2010-12-29T08:44:00.000-05:00

What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead? -Kate Inglis

I have this epiphany as often as I can, truly. In 2010, I survived a little romance heartbreak with the help of friends near and far; a few sobbing moments after the deaths of my aunt and grandmother; a few sobbing moments and sleepness nights thanks to a tenuous graduate school situation. And I watched my loved ones survive all of the above, and more.

I freak out about things more often than I'd like to admit. A couple of years back, my dad was discussing my latest "OH MY GOD THIS WILL NEVER WORK EVER AHHHH" crisis, and he asked, "What's the worst thing that can happen?" It's a silly question and so easy to brush off - but it's simple, too. What's the worst thing that can happen? If it's nuclear winter, then yeah, find an answer. But if the answer is something like "I'll ask him out and he'll hurt my feelings and I'll sulk around for a few days," then - really? Am I going to let that hold me back?

I urge you to ask yourself "What's the worst that can happen?" every time you need proof that everything is going to be all right. The answer is usually, "Everyone will live, my friends will still be my friends, and I'll have a damn good story to blog about."

Day 23: New name

2010-12-29T08:29:00.000-05:00

Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why? -Becca Wilcott

Hmm. I'm interested to see what other people say in response to this question. Because my knee-jerk reaction (and I trust my instincts, they have kept me safe for years despite my air-headiness) is to say, "Who needs another name?" I am the girl who gives my real number out at bars, who charges in and says what I'm thinking - or avoids speaking for fear that I'll say what I'm thinking, who quits calling when I say I will.

Hi, my name is Stephanie. I have red hair and I'll tell you my life story if you're cute and Canadian. And I have a long, amusing-only-in-retrospect story to prove it.

All you have to do is call my name, and I'll be there on the next train

2010-12-23T11:46:00.000-05:00

- Carole King

Since I am mostly caught up on #reverb10, I've started reading my back posts in Google Reader. One of the great things about reverb10 that I don't get from my annual exercise is the ability to see how other people are interacting with the prompts and living their lives... which in turn allows me to reflect more on what I'm doing and what I want to do, at least in these prompted aspects of life.

So, December 16: How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? I answered it like so; my friends are such a crucial part of who I am today and how I got here, but this year, I made things more about me and my family, because that is the moving part in the machine these days, the part that needs greasing.

Beth over at Living a Quotable Life talked about her childhood friends, who have become lifelong ones, and she talked about something that has become clear to me over the last few years. Of the two women who are so important to her, she says, "They have friends who know so much more about them now, as women, than I will probably ever know."

This has been and continues to be a hard lesson for me to learn. I have immense loyalty to my friends; they have seen me through a lot, and I owe them, because I want to owe them. But we don't live in the same states; we don't have the energy to call some nights, or corresponding schedules, or anything to "say" really - even though we could go to happy hour every night of the week and find something to talk about, it's nothing worthy of a phone call. That last part is not true, but of course, it feels that way. It's so easy to talk myself out of a phone call; happy hours are a bit different!

I still get to be friends with these lovely people; they let me show up from time to time. But I hate, hate, hate knowing that the day-to-day details and joys - visits from relatives, phone calls, minute irritations, new recipes, funny coincidences - are no longer mine to share with them.

So, Beth, thanks for recognizing that, too. It's nice to know that the nagging "but I want that time too!" feeling in the back of my brain exists for other people too. Solidarity via the internet is its own kind of kinship.

Day 16: Friendship

2010-12-22T22:56:00.001-05:00

How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? -Martha Mihalick

This might sound a bit arrogant, but hey, #reverb10 is outside the circle of judgement, right? I had this moment of clarity regarding the importance of friendship in my life last December. I did a life wrap-up after the year, using the Mondo Beyondo template (an example here).

In December 2009, I was on my way to Christmas with my mom's family in California, and even though it wasn't the end of the year officially, 2009 had been one big transition after another. I needed to understand what I had done, and where I had succeeded, and where I had failed. That wrap-up was awesome, and clarifying. And while I was gaining some clarity on my life, I realized how much my friends had contributed to my successes. My happy feelings about life and my triumphs were almost all related to my friends. So everyone that I could think of in that moment who had supported me while I was away and then when I was back got a letter in the mail. The script: "thank you for bein' a friend."

This year has been a little more solo, and I've spent a lot more time with my changing family. It has been a long grind of a journey, too, no quick lightbulbs here. I spent three and a half months living with my dad and his wife this summer, in the same town as one of my brothers; and then I took off on my own and moved to Boston and started processing the first eight months of 2010.

I haven't done my year wrap-up yet, but I think this year's education has been harder-fought than last year's, which I'm okay with, and a little less heart-warming, which is life. In my family, full of other little mini-families, being the single lady feels like I'm the last man standing. What does that mean to me, for me, in my life, everyday, at special occasions? I learned the answers to some of those questions this year, and I'm going to be learning for a while. Those friends that I write cute notes to? They've been patient, and I'm grateful. This self-absorption could last a while.

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 20: Beyond Avoidance

2010-12-22T22:09:00.000-05:00

What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) -Jake Nickell

Avoid? Procrastinate?? Everyone knows graduate students don't do that! I talk about Marianne Williamson a lot here - because I need her to encourage me to be brace in the face of my worries, fears, concerns, deterrents. And yes, I struggle with and juggle all of those. Hi. I have stress issues.

So, there are a few situations that I didn't handle well this year, a few moments of missed opportunity. And I've made a recent discovery that I have missed un-thought-of opportunities to conduct informational interviews, because now I'm thumbing through internship applications wondering which ones fit my goals best... I'm not sure, but I'll find out now! [Side note, from 31-year-old self: 26 year old self, don't beat yourself up for not doing every possible advance preparation for grad school.]

But, yes, reverb10, one missed opportunity from 2010 galls me. I know what I missed out on in theory if not in concrete terms. I'm not sure how I will remedy the situation - only 2011 will tell - but I am pretty sure that I'm learning from my missteps. Our powers combined (hard work, learning, and sheer ballsiness): I can move beyond avoidance!

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 21: Future self

2010-12-22T21:49:00.000-05:00

Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) -Jenny Blake

Oh man. I've gone on record before about how I don't get down with giving advice to my former self; she got advice, and she ignored it, because that's what younger selves do. But I also have learned that there is value in visualization and I love goal planning. Isn't advice from my future self basically a combination of those two things? So, fine, I will visualize my future self and try to advise 26-year-old me.

To do this, I start with where my future self might be - hopefully I will have accomplished my by-age-30 goals, sooo... advice for 2011:

Take more chances, in all aspects of life. More from Marianne Williamson here - "Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you." So get the job you want; work with what I've got; ask and I shall recieve.
Floss. I only get one life, and one set of teeth.
Do more yoga, and do more at the gym, more regularly. Exercise good for the literal heart and the metaphorical one.
Believe in yourself. It's the least you can do for me. Signs might not be signs; coincidences might be heaven-sent miracles. But yourself, you can count on.
Food is fuel. Enjoy life's buffet; but that's not over-indulging. What's more important, being healthy at 80 or another See's chocolate?

I wish I could give more advice to myself; I could use it, even if I don't listen. So if you're reading this and have advice for your 26-year-old self, I will take it!

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 22: Travel

2010-12-22T20:53:00.001-05:00

How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? -Tara Hunt

I chose this as my gateway drug back into reverb, because this is an easy prompt in some ways - I think about my travel schedule a lot. All the time. As a single person with a large family that covers the U.S. coast-to-coast, I travel my face off - or at least my budget off.

But this year, I spent most of my time traveling for family things. After a few visits with friends this summer, I realized that I need to travel more with friends. Not just to visit, but to experience a new place and relaxation together. The friends and I are dipping our toes into this together, starting with New Years in DC; but DC is a home for two of us and half a home for me.

Dear friend Rach and I started two week trip to Egypt and/or the Middle East, but grad school plans and budgets put the kibosh on that plan; hopefully we can substitute for something else. Montréal, in August???

And just this week I informed my dad and stepmom that it would be nice if they would identify one of two "please come" family events a year, or even establish a week-long family vacation. If I know what family events are must-dos, maybe just maybe I can spend less money on family travel and more money on me travel.

Selfish? Maybe. More "grown-up"? Definitely. A way to cope with new family traditions and patterns by creating boundaries? Yes, please!

So excited about #reverb10 and the opportunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Seems fitting for today

2010-12-21T22:19:00.000-05:00

Noël

by Anne Porter

When snow is shaken
From the balsam trees
And they're cut down
And brought into our houses

When clustered sparks
Of many-colored fire
Appear at night
In ordinary windows

We hear and sing
The customary carols

They bring us ragged miracles
And hay and candles
And flowering weeds of poetry
That are loved all the more
Because they are so common

But there are carols
That carry phrases
Of the haunting music
Of the other world
A music wild and dangerous
As a prophet's message

Or the fresh truth of children
Who though they come to us
From our own bodies

Are altogether new
With their small limbs
And birdlike voices

They look at us
With their clear eyes
And ask the piercing questions
God alone can answer.

December 21, 2006

2010-12-21T12:10:00.001-05:00

Every year, on the winter solstice, I think about my mom.

I like to think of this day as the Deathiversary, although, as my gran frequently reminds me, it's also the day that my mother was "born into heaven."

But because I am of the earth, I think of it in selfish terms. Because four years ago, this was the day that I was born into premature, no-longer-just-emerging, adulthood. And that my brothers were born into a life without motherly advice (they are not the type to bond with random women, not like me). And that my father was born into widowhood and tears, neither of which came easily. And that my grandmothers lost their daughter and beloved daughter-in-law, the first children to predecease them.

Last year, I spent a lot of time writing down things about my mom - stories she had shared with me, memories of us together, family memories. I stopped - got distracted by grad school and life, I guess. And it's painful, because I cannot remember everything, and at the end of the day, writing down those stories won't bring her back.

I don't have a train of thought or a point here today, really. Except that it's December 21. And I think you should call your mom and have a random conversation with her; or, if she is not here, call to mind your mother as you always remember her. Take a moment to appreciate that, despite whatever flaws she possesses, she is always be your mother. Even when she's no longer here to mother you.

2010-12-17T21:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Sense of Perspective:
I think my sadness is stifling you, and I'm sorry. Please come back, I need you. Navigating the world without you is impossible.

This Christmas - baby, please come home.

xoxo,
me

This is how to get behind on #reverb10

2010-12-16T23:22:00.000-05:00

1. Enroll in grad school, finals for which concludes the second week of December.
2. Start #reverb10 at the beginning of December and keep up for 6 to 7 days, enough to feel like you're in control.
3. Get buried in finals and semester-ending meetings; fall behind.
4. Recover from finals; catch up. Woo!
5. Get buried in work, volunteering, and packing for a month at home; fall behind.
6. Get home; hug old(ish) people that you love. Woo!
7. Realize that you're sad without your mother; that the sadness leads you to be myopic, selfish, spend-y; that you have no long-term solution for the sadness (although it's time to do some clothes returning); wonder what the hell a long-term solution for holiday-inspired grief is. What's #reverb10?
8. Borrow Dad's library card; reserve books you've been wanting to read forever that will divert you from the present-term sadness and put off the long-term solution-attempting. Is it even December any more?

I have entered the strugglemas period, but I'll be back, #reverb10. Just - after the 21st, okay?

Day 14: Appreciate.

2010-12-14T23:01:00.001-05:00

What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? -Victoria Klein

I am not sure what my problem is, but I've hit a wall with this one. I agree with Amy Oscar: when my impulse is to dig my heels in and not write, that generally demonstrates that I'm scared to think about the subject.

Except.... appreciation. Really? I'm scared to think about appreciation?? I can't believe that's true: what's so fearsome about appreciation? However, I am so proven wrong oh-so-frequently, soooo.

Anyway, this is all to say: I'm going to think about this one for a while, but I'll repost once I've wiggled my way through the landmine of my brain/psyche.

So excited about #reverb10 and the opportunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 13: Action.

2010-12-14T00:21:00.003-05:00

When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen. What's your next step? -Scott Belsky

Dear feet, meet fire. Its name is #reverb10, which today appears as Scott Belsky. He's more attractive than the ghosts of Christmas past though, yes? (I'm so sure that's why reverb10 includes the photo... waaaaaaaiiiiiitttttt a sec!)

First, I love the way this prompt is stated, because it's soooooo true. All honest, brave, smart people out there have thoughts of the future, stated or unstated, short- or long-term: whether we face them and turn them into legitimate aspirations or goals takes this bit. Take the goal and make it a process, with baby bird-sized bites that we choke down, all nerves and disassurity (unassurity? whatever the opposite of assurity is.).

A couple of my aspirations are playing dueling banjos right now: which one will take precedence?? It seems like career is winning, and I've taken a few big steps recently. I'm devoting time to Twitter to attempt to establish an online professional presence (not sure if I'm succeeding, or how I tell). I'm now the acting president of a large student organization, so I'm flexing my team management and collaboration muscles, which have gotten a little out of practice (ohhh job). And I made a date with the archivist at my alma mater, even though my professional skillz are rusty, because she's got a list of employers that matches what I *think* I want to do. The last step scares me the most, but is also SO EXCITING.

I now know exactly what Jessie Spano was talking about all those years ago. Step-taking. Yeah girl, but living out your aspirations and deciding which ones to keep around: it's the stuff that living is made of.

So excited about #reverb10 and the opportunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 12: Body integration

2010-12-13T23:50:00.002-05:00

This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? -Patrick Reynolds

Oh man, I live for these moments: the neuroses fade away, I can't remember what to think about or worry about, it's just me and my body, pounding it out. Sometime I count to myself, in time with my feet, and it's just me celebrating that I can do this - it used to be running, but I haven't run at ease in a long time (sigh.). I hit a hitch in my giddy-up last spring and have not dedicated myself to it seriously; I did some running this summer, but always inside and after a yoga class for warm-up. Which is cheating, really.

But none of that clatter above answers the prompt. It just so happens that I'm not going to answer the prompt on my blog. This answer, it so happens, is for me.

So excited about #reverb10 and the opportunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 11: 11 Things

2010-12-12T22:30:00.003-05:00

What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? -Sam Davidson

Oh, things I'd like to rid from my life, things I'd like to replace them with. Am I allowed to say that as part of reverb10? I LOVE NICE STUFF AND I WISH I HAD LOTS OF IT. (My Gap shopping cart has $200 worth of awesomeness in it, just waiting for my lottery win. Don't even get me starting on my Zappos faves.) But I don't, so in the meantime, here's what I'm ditching in 2011:

Selfishness: It's time to start volunteering more again.
Crappy underwear: Life is too short.
Uncomfortable shoes: Ditto.
Carelessness: I'm renown for being rough with my stuff. So I need to take better care of it and be better about regular maintenance (of the nice shoes that I DO own, for example).
The DVR: When my roommates move out, the DVR is gone. (Even if I have to wait til August, that's still 2011!)
Self-judgment: Like I've said here previously, I'm mostly out of this; but... every day is a winding road.
Ill-fitting clothes: They can go to the same cotton graveyard that the underwear finds itself.
Meh-ing: When people ask me how my day was, I frequently "meh" - "fine, whatever, Monday, blagh." New rule: I have to say one good thing abou thte day before I love on to the meh.
Snacks instead of meals: I need to be better about avoiding convenience foods instead of real nourishment. No more treating Clif MoJo bars like dinner!
Paper, paper, everywhere: I'm going to try to stick to note-taking in notebooks, and leaving loose random papers.
Obsessive email checking: Once an hour, tops! (Is that still obsessive? Maybe I can knock it down a little... every 2 hours? Eeeek.)

2011, in minus-eleven items. I'm going to print this out and leave it in my nightstand! (Does that count as a paper scrap? CRAP.)

So excited about #reverb10 and the opportunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 10: Wisdom

2010-12-11T23:11:00.001-05:00

What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? -Susannah Conway

Oh man. Just like many #reverb10 participants shied away from the beautiful part of beautifully different, I shy away from any perceived "wisdom." I am known for my big-picture thinking, maybe, my calm-under-fire, my well-falsified confidence: but wisdom?

I think the wisest decisions that I made this year involved following my heart instead of my (empty) pocketbook. I made four trips West this year: three weddings and a funeral; I was only planning on making one, with an option for a second. But I made the right decision to go emotionally - I needed to dance and to cry and to hug my family members. Come the end of the year, my debt isn't that much scarier than it would have been had I not gone, and, hey, I only get one life. I'm going to spend it dancing, crying, hugging, and bill-paying, and I'm okay with that.

Is this wisdom?

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

This is harder than I thought it would be.

2010-12-11T22:40:00.001-05:00

Dear Aunt,

I miss you. I miss you because I feel for your daughters, who are now without their mother, and I know what that feeling is like. But I also miss you because you called me to check on me a month after my mom died and, ahem, politely suggest that I get to the gym and reap the benefit of endorphins. You made sure to send me about five birthday presents the first year after my mother died. You served Irish oats with fresh toasted pecans for me every time I visited, without fail.

And, most relevant to this month: the first Christmas after my mother died and I sent myself to darkest Arizona with little intention of "celebrating" the first year without her, you sent me Christmas in a box. A little tree already strung with lights, three sets of ornaments, a creche (my favorite! how did you know? I wish I knew), AND a present wrapped and ready to go "under" it. (The tree was small and the present was big so "under" didn't work out, but the idea was just right.)

Aunt, I can't do that for your daughters and I don't think it is what they need anyway. Maybe I should call them and suggest endorphins and/or exile? But I don't think it would really matter, because I think we'd all like the same thing for Christmas: for you to be leading the Christmas charge in your house per usual, and for us to be lounging on the couch watching British period dramas and listening for the kettle to boil.

You already know all this jibber-jabber, of course, but I thought I'd tell you anyway, because I'm not sure who else to tell. I hope heaven is the sort of place where you and Mom split a box of See's over martinis; if it's not, I don't want to hear about it.

Love,
Your niece

O tidings of comfort and joy

2010-12-11T15:58:00.000-05:00

I think I've said this before here, but today is a good day to repeat it:

One of the more rewarding things about disliking the holidays is realizing that plenty of other people also dislike the holidays. It turns out December is a good time for everyone to miss the people that they have loved who are gone; and it turns out a lot of people have lost loved ones.

Here's to us for surviving the holidays year after year without them, sad holiday people. We're doing okay, because we're doing the best we can.

Day 9: Part(aaaaaaaaa)y

2010-12-09T20:10:00.001-05:00

What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. - Shauna Reid

Three family weddings; one friend's amazing January birthday party bus; an amazing party that I put together affectionately known as the Graduate Circus Maximus Smarticus. I am not going to get into detail, I'm sticking with the larger idea: parties that rocked my socks.

Let it be known: I loved all of these large events, and all the little guys in between. These little ones are the unsung heroes of my life: impromptu post-work drinking with coworkers, happy hours with old friends and new; nights where I'm whisked out and end up, uh, helping shut the bar down in my Sperry boat shoes; the book clubs that involve wine. Friends and inner relaxation make a party, in my mind, along with the Official Parties Advertised as Such.

I loved the weddings for a chance to dress up and throw down with my family. Reconnecting with all these gorgeous, interesting, like-me-but-not lovelies reminds me who I am and where I come from, which is important to me especially since I can't talk to my mom everyday anymore. A family wedding makes up for months without Ann. So I need one in 2011, people, okay?

I loved the bus party because I knew, truly, one person there. For me, carrying around a little mild social anxiety, this was a big step out. And meeting all these new and interesting friends of friends, dancing the night away with them - it was the most fun I had in the months before and after. So unexpected, so amazing.

The Maximus Smarticus is a jewel in my crown because I planned it and made it happen; a lot of people important to me showed up; and the night ended like a sitcom episode: with an unexpectedly laugh-out-loud-glee. I love it when life hands me something awesome out of the blue. All I can do is giggle, thank the gods, and then nudge them and say, "When can we do this again?"

That's how I know it's a good party: it charges me up for the next one.

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 7: Community

2010-12-09T12:10:00.016-05:00

Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? -Cali Harris

Community. It's one of those things that people talk about and want, but how does a girl go about making a community? It's not exactly like baking a cake.

The community that I'm missing right now is my former coworkers. I miss that teamwork in a good workplace; the people who are always good for a drink after work, occasionally at the foot of a monument (they're everywhere in our nation's capital); my book-reading, good-food-cookin' friend B who was always good for a bit of outrage and a snack break; the HR executive who brought us tales of the suburbs. I even miss the sometimes awkward turns that conversations with my bosses frequently took.

These people were my friends and my coworkers, which is (for me - is it just me?) a unique relationship. My friends love me for me: when drunk, when inappropriate, when so sad I can hardly get off the couch, when I need to move several states away and am days behind in packing. They've seen everything. My coworkers see the work version of my life, the competent version of me; with peeks at the man behind the curtain. And yet, even if they miss that time I cried at my desk... or at the park outside our office... or in the bathroom: they still know me pretty well.

I'm grateful for my work community in 2010.

In 2011, I need to do some work on my spiritual community. This is mostly internal, and it's not fun in the traditional sense, but I know that it is valuable and worth doing. Also, I'm long-distance dating my friends and my family, so I'm working hard to make sure that those relationships still exist when I graduate as a librarian/archivist in 2012. To paraphrase Meredith Grey, they pick me choose me love me, and I choose them right back. To 2011 and beyond, friends!

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 8: Beautifully different

2010-12-08T21:10:00.024-05:00

Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful. -Karen Wolrond

I have had a lifetime of being different, but it wasn't until I got to college and discovered some amazing people that I discovered that my quirks didn't make life harder, they made me awesome.

Many moons ago, when I was still in college, I dumped a guy after, oh, our first date. He was soooooooo in love with me or, like, something (he was 17, I was 19). When I told him that we couldn't date, I was going abroad to London and I wanted to be single, yada yada, he was crushed: "But there aren't any other girls like you!" I, privately, agreed with him - there weren't very many girls like me in the small town where he lived, and where my parents lived. I spent a painful three minutes doing my best fake "oh yes there are, you're a great guy, you're going to find another great girl." (I'd actually done this before, but I was still terrible at it. I'm better now.)

So, Sean, wherever you are, let me just say: you're right. There aren't very many girls like me, with my just-so balance of humor, grief, intelligence, anxiety/stress/neuroticism, perfectionism, passion, love of road trips, baking skillz, and nerdiness. These are what makes me Me, and I am beautiful. As Marianne Williamson so famously wrote, who am I not to be? I've been owning this (a few bumps along the road...); long may I continue to do so.

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 6: Make

2010-12-06T21:08:00.033-05:00

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? -Gretchen Rubin

Let me first say: OH MY GOD I can do so much with this prompt! And if it weren't finals time, I would do better justice to making. So, thanks, Gretchen, and I may revisit. But for now, it is what it is. Here goes.

I could get all metaphorical on reverb10's ass and say something about how I made my bed and now I'm lying in it; or that I made this life out of good friends and pink champagne and pretty flowers and church latin; or that this fall I have been doing my best to make my profession fit me.

But I spent a lot of time working with my hands in 2010. My job wasn't fully captivating me, so I made cakes and cupcakes at the drop of a hat. Custom dessert? I'll bake it! Also, I was unemployed this summer - by choice, bizarro. I lived with my dad and stepmother for three months because I could. I needed to go through my Mother Inheritance while I had time; someone needed to corral and digitize the photos (thanks, ScanCafe!); and I wanted to be close to this new, evolving family that I am a member of - stepsiblings and spouses, sisters in law, nephews, even my dog sibling. So I went home.

Here's the thing: the family, the day-to-day, it's just as grinding as, if less mundane than, a 9-to-5. So I still needed a creative outlet, and summer in NC is too damn hot and muggy to bake. So I crafted. I Googled wildly and just battened down and did things. Like make skinny jeans from an old, cheap pair of bootlegs. They're vaguely successful, just don't look to close! I sewed elbow patches on a favorite wool blazer; I look horridly librarian in it, but hey, that's how I roll. I tie-dyed tshirts (and a onesy for my newest nephew!) for the first time ever IN MY LIFE. A little embarrassing that it took me so long - but I did it, and it was fun.

I am making other things with my life right now - things that do not involve trips to Michael's. But when I have time, I will continue to experience the greatness of doing something, with my own two hands, and not just hire someone to do something. I have confidence to tackle the crafting projects that blogs are made of. And: my closest friends & I are planning to ring in the New Year while crafting. In 2010, I made creative balance. (booyah)

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 5: Let Go

2010-12-05T14:08:00.002-05:00

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? -Alice Bradley

I knew it was coming. The moment that #reverb10 would break me down and force me to air a little of my emotional baggage in public. Because I do hold on to things in the material sense - it took me three and a half years to clean out my mother's things. But much more frequently, I hold on to emotions, pain, experiences of hurt, blah blah blah. For me, cleaning out the closet is easy. Cleaning out my life is a whole other challenge.

This year, I am happy to say that managed to almost fully let go of not being enough (there are still a few aspects that need some work). I learned what aspects of myself I felt like needed change, and I worked on changing them.
I accepted that I wasn't going to get into the grad school of my choice and I could survive the rejection.
That my family isn't perfect and they are worth loving because of those flaws.
That I am not perfect and that people would love me in spite of/because of those.

I accepted that I like cheesy movies.
That I make mistakes "in love" (how my cheesy movies' scripts would put it).
That it's okay that I have been putting off some things in life.
That some days my head is not going to be fully in the game.
That I sometimes sacrifice honesty in favor of humor.
That I have a hard time saying "thank you" and "please help"

In 2010, I learned it was okay to be myself, all the time, even if that me was snotty with pink eye and in a pair of Hunter boots. My grandmother is rolling her eyes and saying, "of course, it was always okay to be yourself, honey." Easier said than done in my case, Grano, but I'm finally getting there.

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 4: Wonder

2010-12-04T21:07:00.084-05:00

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? -Jeffrey Davis

Star of wonder, star of light, star with royal beauty bright.

I am having a hard time answering this question, and I can't tell if it's my lack of sleep or the darkness of December or if I just do not have a strong command of wonder and wonderousness in my life.

But, that's a lie. There is wonder in my life, in the form of a gorgeous pink flower on Beacon Street. It's on the way to the neighborhood grocery, and this summer, I couldn't resist its call. The first time I bent down to smell it, I was blown away by how good it smelled. Flowers that pretty shouldn't smell that good - BUT IT DID. The flower lasted into fall, and every time I passed it, I stopped, other people on the sidewalk thinking I'm bizarre be damned.

But there is another wonder, one that doesn't wilt for winter - road trips. All I need is a car and an iPod and our nation's transportation infrastructure, and I'm good to go. There is so much to see out there - mown fields and mountain peaks; cherry trees and olive orchards (is that what they call them?); gorgeous libraries and deserted watering holes; trout ponds inside of LL Bean stores and those recreational reservoirs in California. And all the better when my relatives or my friends (they have yet to be combined - one day!) are riding shotgun. The world actually becomes a new place when I can see it from a new perspective. Sometimes that's a literal thing.

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 3: Moment

2010-12-03T21:44:00.004-05:00

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). Ali Edwards

Gah. 365 days boiled down to a single moment! Brain. Hurts. I've had a good year, full of ups and downs as all good years are. So much beauty, so much love, so much friendship, so many tears, so much partying everyday. Families created, loves lost. And, you know, these moments - the good and the bad, strung together with little rhyme or reason - these are when I feel alive. The moments when I...

... Shared an amazing bottle of wine under the cherry blossoms at the Tidal Pool.
... Sat in my therapist's IKEA chair and talked about how hard it is to take chances.
... Discussed my love life with my married(-ish) friends over pizza and beer in Georgetown. Again.
... Listened to my dear cousins eulogize their mother in a sunny backyard in New Mexico.
... Bonded with my newest month-old nephew and was woken up by wee lads on family vacations.
... Witnessed my relatives joining in holy matrimony with their respective new spouses, and our new family members.
... Stood in a graveyard and rural Georgia and said goodbye to my grandmother.
... Danced on a pole(well, tried to) in a party bus at a casually Britney-Spears-themed birthday shindig.
... Held my friend and chanted "we're all going to be okay; everything's going to be okay," because the new year had started but we still had some things from 2009 to mourn.
... Got my first graduate school acceptance and went through the roof ecstatic; and when I got my last graduate school rejection and cried hot, anxious tears.

Okay, the listing ad nauseum must stop, but you see: the ups and downs. I know the prompt asked about the moment when I felt most alive in 2010; I'm sorry, Ali Edwards, I cannot give you an answer. I feel alive at every low, alive at every high, and alive when they are paired back to back. Life provides me a daily opportunity for a high or a low. Cliche though it may be, if I have learned anything from death, it's to accept either, or both.

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

Day 2: Writing

2010-12-02T18:30:00.003-05:00

What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing -- and can you eliminate it? Leo Babauta, Zen Habits

This is a hilarious question, isn't it? And not what I was anticipating from Leo - I was thinking we'd get a declutter, clean living sorta deal. So much for trying to guess him out! Anyway, it's a hilarious question because what doesn't get in the way of writing?

But on a serious level: Leo, you've caught me out. I do a lot of things that don't contribute to my writing and that sabotage it, and those habits can be eliminated. I want to write more. I go through periods where I journal obsessively; but in grad school, life has taken on a shade of tan. My day-to-day doesn't contain much that's NEW and EXCITING except for all the information that I'm absorbing about classification systems; not the most relevant raw material for the Next Great American Novel (or even Blog).

To get over this hump, I want to try to two things (although writing more long-term goal than pressing issue):

A creative writing group that acts like a book club. It would meet monthly; we'd all work on one prompt; and during the meeting we could support each other - discuss our stories, get the next month's prompt, drink some wine. I'm thinking it could even be an e-collaboration thing, except then it's harder to drink wine together and wine is great.
Find a book or other source of writing prompts. My writing skills & love of are on display in this blog, and I have insights and memories and humor to share. But I lack direction and plotting skills like WHOA. A prompt would focus me. But I have only done a half-hearted search for info on this. So if anyone can point me in the right direction, do please holler.

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

What became of the blue slip we once knew?

2010-12-02T13:00:00.021-05:00

- Family Fodder [here, and no idea if the words are right]

Today's rant: what is so wrong with growing up? Some people seem to think that growing up is some sort of disease that leads to brittle bones and drooling boredom or something. They quote Peter Pan and think they're giving good life advice.

Growing up is AWESOME (in some ways, just like being young can be awesome). Age and experience, when used right, bring clarity and calm to life and its smorgasbord of choices. One of my life goals is to have the calm and wisdom of my mother, who had a "be mindfully happy and pray and let it go" laissez-faire thing going (minus her political obsessions).

As an occasional poor young sod, I'm a little jealous. Hello, "youth is wasted on the young" is a cliche for a reason.

So, people, go forth and GROW (up). We're all getting older every day, so we might as well do something with those experiences. Leave Peter Pan in the fiction section.

I'm done now, thank you.

Day 1: One Word.

2010-12-01T21:06:00.002-05:00

12/1: One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you're choosing that word. Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

2010 was the year of transition. Or should I say, yet another year of transition. Four years ago this December, my mother died, and since then, I have been slowly recapturing a grip on my life that is not vise-like but also not a loose, "i don't even care" sub-grip. I've had a good life in those four years, but I've been in transition for all of them, physically and/or emotionally and/or life-planningly. In 2010, my transitions included:

Getting some things in order with my internal love life: Like Sheryl Crow says, every day is a winding road but I AM getting closer. (thanks, therapist Linda!)
Spending a summer bonding with my dad and step-mother: family is important, and they won't be around forever. Besides, time is the perfect gift for my old man.
Starting grad school: I have been in career statis since I have had a career - figuring out a good day job is hard. Library science and archives management feels good and uses my skills, and I have been lucky enough to meet some great people - in my first semester.
Becoming the main student organization president: I have shunned management positions in the past, but it's silly - I like making lists and encouraging people. Why not put those skills to use and exercise those muscles? Thanks, grad school, for the opportunity: Imma try to do you proud

So, you see, transitions have done me good this year.

But the real question, what's coming down the hatch in 2011? I think 2011 is going to be a year's worth of ownership for me. I'm in Boston for grad school, so I am and will be working a lot on my career. So career development is one thing to own; my leadership in the LIS school is a second. Third, putting quality time into my friendships, familyships, and relationships will require thoughtfulness with all the other distractions.

But I ain't scurred, I can take charge. Actually, the most important thing about 2011's ownership is letting it all go when I need to. Fingers crossed that I can strike the right balance.

So excited about #reverb10 and the opporunity that it provides "to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."

You've got the love I need to see me through

2010-12-01T08:37:00.000-05:00

- Florence + The Machine

So for the merry (and sometimes not-so-merry) month of December, I'm participating in Reverb10, from one of my favorite deep thinkers Gwen Bell and a team of clever ladies. This means: daily blogging! If I can manage it. Gulp.

Today's prompt is coming down the hatch, eventually. 11:51pm?

You all look like beautiful stars tonight

2010-11-23T13:16:00.000-05:00

- Kanye West

Is this a grief blog? I mean, I don't really know why I'm asking the (six?) people who read this. But maybe you can tell me, because it didn't occur to me until today that maybe that's what this blog is really about. Not so much about my life, but more about my loss. Is that right? Or is my brain just being clogged by the holiday doldrums?

Hmm.

Holding tight to what's been felt

2010-11-21T18:45:00.009-05:00

- Junip

I went to see the first HP7 movie last night - the director for these last movies has done a good job not getting bogged down in the details and making the movie its own individual artform. So I recommend going, indeed. Anyways, I'm wondering if that's the reason behind my dream last night...

In it, my family - although I only remember seeing Mom and Dad - was at Thanksgiving. My mother was alive and normal, but I kept having to reassure myself that she wasn't going to die or that she wasn't dying, something like that. At some point in my dream or as my brain was coming out of the dream, I had to remind myself that she was dead.

It wasn't that sad, necessarily, I've had much sadder Momdreams. I might even count it as a good dream. But the experience was a surreal one, breaking that bad news to my dreamself. Sorry, buddy, better luck next dream?

My friends say I should act my age. What's my age, again?

2010-11-19T10:42:00.000-05:00

- Blink 182

I really like Patti Stanger, Millionaire Matchmaker, annoying though she may sometimes be. But here's the deal, Patti.

I have been cooked for, go me! And wow, that was not the right direction. So I'm gonna need a little more clarity on this issue.

How many days can you waste it, boy?

2010-11-16T22:11:00.000-05:00

- Angie Aparo

Every time that I think I'm ready for what life is going to sell me: it switches the sale items up. Dear life: how am I supposed to buy the best item at the right time, when you keep changing things? Work that out and then get back to me.

Holding my heart out but clutching it too

2010-11-15T11:55:00.001-05:00

- Nickel Creek

I so intensely dislike the days, infrequent though they may be, when I miss my mother for no reason. Well, that's not accurate - the reason is she's my mother. But the feeling is an intangible sobby one, and I cannot rationalize or intellectualize my way out. Which is okay, really, that I have to cry. Or, at least, I'm learning to accept that there are days for crying, just like there are days for dancing, and for friendster-ing, and for everything else under the sun.

At this point in my life, I have more of the other day kinds than of sobby ones. Perhaps for Thanksgiving I'll be thankful for that.

I want to be like water if I can / Cos water doesn't give a dam

2010-11-14T22:09:00.003-05:00

- Silver Jews

All I want today is books and friends - books stacked like this, friends like - well, like the ones I have, actually, but with more time together.

Yet life continues to go on around me, requiring lots of time for things that are neither books nor friends. OUTRAGEOUS! At least I have tea and books and friends to deal with the life thing. And Paul Rudd movies. I watched "I Could Never Be Your Woman" tonight (see deets here) and, while it's not a masterpiece like Clueless, I laughed out loud. Thanks, Paul.

Even after scoring extra life points after some LOLing, I'm running low on energy tonight. Hope it comes back. Like, tomorrow. There is running to be done, and librarying, and living.

You should leave if you can't accept the basics

2010-11-03T21:15:00.001-04:00

- Kanye West

Recently, one of my delightful and recently married cousins was telling us - well, accusing our aunts - of not warning her that sex was like "being mauled by a bear." Those may have been MJ's words, but it doesn't matter. The point is: other people know things, and they never tell you what they know.

Grad school is like this, as far as I can tell. I knew there would be lots of reading. And someone recently gave me the good advice of not bothering to befriend my classmates, to stick with civilian friends.

But no one told me that my life would turn to oatmeal. That my joie de vivre would be sucked up in totality by my academic pursuits. That I would lose the ability to read new books, because all I'd want to handle was the soft landing of British female writers popularized in the early 2000s.

I'm actually okay that no one told me about these things. It's making my bland-toned existence more of a "Choose Your Own Adventure" and less of a "just take me now, God" thing.

But: why are there so many things that no one ever tells you about?

Leave all your love and your longing behind: you can't carry it with you if you want to survive

2010-11-01T23:29:00.002-04:00

- Florence + The Machine

School is hard. I feel like I am behind and will never catch up, and have felt such since the end of September. I still miss my mother. I definitely am not amenable to cold weather. I want to win the lottery so that I can enjoy this school thing and take advantage of school breaks without the pressures of holy-batman-debt. (and yet, I am still taking advantage of school breaks whilst I hum lalala, because that is how I deal with pressure)

But can we all take a moment here to be grateful? Or at least, can I take a moment here to be grateful? Because three years ago, I was one month in to the Race Away From Real Life: temporarily, but an extended race for sure - an ultramarathon of 30,000 miles. It was a worthwhile journey and I'd do it again, but it wasn't the happiest of times.

And two years ago, I was living at home and one month in to a job search at the start of what became The Recession, right before a couple of my friends lost their jobs. I found a job, moved back to my beloved NoVA, and carried on my upwards swing. But I was still learning a lot then.

I am, of course, still learning now. And even today, there are good, bad, and ugly things swirling around my head - life's like that. But I've learned enough to stop and smell the roses. Today, the roses smell like relief and healing.

Happy All Souls Day, indeed.

There's gonna be a party when the wolf comes home

2010-10-25T22:31:00.002-04:00

- The Mountain Goats

I just had a great weekend with a large chunk of my large family - I'm home, and in need of a little sleep and a lot of gatorade. But there's something else dancing around inside of me - it hit last night, while I was catching a pre-flight dinner with my friend C.

I wasn't sure that I wanted to come back to Boston. I'm homesick. But I'm at home. Am I at home? And if Boston isn't home, I don't know where is. Where should it be?

It's confusing to be an adult in the modern world, lemme tell ya.

The unparalleled Bryan Ferry mentioned that he's in a Mountain Goats phase right now, and the weather is indeed perfect for The MGs in Boston right now. I will join him in his John Darnielle love.

tell me, oh tell me

2010-10-18T07:35:00.004-04:00

the one where love wins, again
and again...........and again.

- Sabine Miller

Email is so convenient. But I can't help but wish that, instead of emailing each other, we just chucked postcards in the mail with a 28-cent stamp to communicate. I've been day-dreaming about having a graphic artist (like my delightfully whimsical & clever friend B.) draw up a postcard design for me. Who needs a room of one's own when I could have a personalized postcard???

I'm telling you, I would be the coolest rich person ever. Everyone would get personalized postcards from me once a week, AT LEAST.

Wanting not to want you won't make it so

2010-10-12T22:21:00.000-04:00

- The National

I could talk about a lot of things. I went to an awesome panel of speakers tonight, which really energized me about the work I'll be doing (one day) and about the conference I'm going to next month (yay short term wins!). I could talk about how winter is right around the corner in New England. I could talk about how planning a big trip provides me with SO MUCH fulfillment, especially since it means quality time with one of my best friends and my absolute favorite travel companion - I like to call her R-Straße.

But instead I'm going to revert back to my old favorite topic. No matter what I do to keep my energy up and take care of myself, no matter how ridiculously much my life has changed over the past four years: the fall is grieving season.

So, this grieving season, I'm embracing it. I still find joy in fragrant roses and sunny skies and ice cream and satisfying runs and quality friend and family time. But I'm also staying in and doing lots of face masques. I'm crying and journaling and picture-seeking/-gazing and remembering how delightful it was to have my mother around.

This is just what my life is like. Fragrant roses and energizing speakers and teary nights. I wish everyone this kind of life, actually: it's not half-bad.

I keep my visions to myself

2010-10-02T10:16:00.002-04:00

- Fleetwood Mac

Last night, my dream(s?) included visions of:
- Fluoridated toothpaste
- Normal toothpaste
- Loose doors or windows
- The basement
- My mother
- A cat
- Dust

Dreams like that are the reason I like to keep my life interesting. I'm certainly not finding anything good in my brain.

2010-09-30T08:07:00.003-04:00

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.

- W.S. Merwin, "Separation"

I get "The Writer's Almanac" newsletter in my email every morning now; I've never loved the Prairie Home Companion but I respect the hell outta Garrison Keillor and man oh man do I love seeing that email.

I need to get more sleep if I'm going to survive the next two years.

I'm going to a conference in November with two possible friends. We're borrowing my roommate's car, and I'm already worried about crashing it. Maybe we'll just rent...

I'm planning four trips this summer: only one of them involves visiting family.

If someone could find me a flexible summer job that allows me to take all four of those trips, that would be awesome.

You're too tall, much too tall for a boyfriend.

2010-09-27T11:10:00.000-04:00

- Belle & Sebastian

No matter how many new friends I make (and it's not looking like there are going to be all that many... oh, awkward librarian classmates), I'm never going to stop loving my DC friends. And, God willing, they're never going to stop loving me.

So I've got that going for me. Too bad that friendlove doesn't do homework.

Sleep now and dream of who you'll be when you finally become someone.

2010-09-26T13:50:00.002-04:00

- Stars

I am very, very, very afraid that I won't have the time in this life to do everything in my life that matters.

I said, "Fate takes time"

2010-09-24T23:00:00.003-04:00

- Fleetwood Mac

Yes. That's right. I'm having the sort of Friday night where I listen to Fleetwood Mac. It would be a celebration of a week where I went all-out, truly doing something everyday that scared me. I did good work! I hate being uncomfortable, so it was important for me to ... be uncomfortable. I have two years to go before I can settle into

But there's still a lot of homework to be done, a lot of catching up to do so that I'm reading for October's extravaganzas. Because I think there are going to be quite a few. (Some of them might involve website building and such, but still. I'm counting those too.)

Just sitting here, spinning the world on one finger

2010-09-21T10:00:00.001-04:00

- The Roots

As part of my Reference Services course, we discussed emotional intelligence in the context of interaction with patrons. A large part of reference services and, let's be serious, most jobs, is having a good rapport with clients and colleagues. I was curious: how savvy am I? So I took an online quiz, of course! And it told me that regardless of my (above-average, thank you very much) emotional intelligence level, some habits and outlets could continue to build a good level of emotional intelligence. Suggestions included:

- Go to the gym, take an exercise class or participate in activities that reduce your stress level.
-Take up a new hobby or sport that involves interacting with other people.
- Take a class at your local community college.
- Join a support group.
- Keep a feelings journal.
- See a counselor to help you deal with your emotions.
- Take an anger management course.
- Enroll in a communication skills course.
- Read books about emotional intelligence and social skills.
- Do emotional intelligence workbooks.
- Ask your friends and family to help you recognize the things about yourself that may need correcting.

I just wanted to point out that, in the name of Emotional Intelligence improvement, it's totally okay if I survey my friends, family, therapists, and former boyfriends in the name of self-improvement. Paris (from that hit TV show "Gilmore Girls") is in total agreement.

If you're for-real and not pretend, I guess you can hang with me

2010-09-20T23:40:00.000-04:00

- Robyn

A late-night chain of thought:

I don't like the church in my neighborhood.
My roommates are about as laid-back as I am regimented. It's endearing, and relaxing, and paranoia-inducing because I interrogate them about whether they hate me for cleaning the bathroom with obsessive fervor.
I miss yoga.
If I make it out to CA for my aunt's wedding at the end of October, I will have made it to three of four family wedding celebrations this year, and three of three West coast wedding. I will have made it to zero of two friend wedding celebrations this year. The easy conclusion here: I am a bad friend. The second easy conclusion: I must be broke as hell. The harder conclusion that the priest sold me on this morning: There are no pockets in a shroud; relationships are what matter.
A solid, 30-mile bike ride is well worth the saddle-sore behind.
It seems to be a strong possibility that library science grad students are less fun than B-school or law school grad students. Pop culture might be trying to make librarians cool, but someone's going to have to clue in my classmates.
I have to remind myself forcibly that some people don't like to talk about their problems. And some people prefer to cry by themselves. Alone. At church. The church in their neighborhood that they don't like, aside from the part where the homilies are fine.
For the fifth day in a row, I ran out of time today to bake pumpkin-cran-walnut bread.
This blog must really be riveting.
How awesome is this card? (it has 25 friends, too) Or this pencil holder? (I almost went with the owl but that reminded me of that weird movie) How great of an idea is the wishing bracelet? I don't know why I wasn't born a millionaire, because I could spend the hell outta some money, yo.

Pretty girls, you're too good for this

2010-09-16T23:34:00.000-04:00

- Neko Case

Grad school is psychological warfare. Or at least this week it is. Twelve chapters of reading (more than 200 pages); a trick-worded assignment that I TOTALLY FELL FOR and didn't realize my mistake until after I turned it in; sleep-optional. Only the gym and Trader Joe are keeping my psyche on the straight and narrow these days.

If you can't tell, right now I'm chanting "learning curve, learning curve, learning curve." Hopefully it will lull me to bed, and away from night-terrors regarding metadata.

I wanna be the one that means the most to you

2010-09-14T16:36:00.000-04:00

- harlem shakes

PS to yesterday: I found this quote this morning, from an article over at The Atlantic from a while back.

Consider that “Where do you want to go today?” was really manipulative advice, not an open question. “Go somewhere now,” it strongly recommended, then go somewhere else tomorrow, but always go, go, go—and with our help. But did any rebel reply, “Nowhere. I like it fine right here”? Did anyone boldly ask, “What business is it of yours?” Was anyone brave enough to say, “Frankly, I want to go back to bed”?

Take that, "interesting experience": I read books and go to the gym four days a week and eat plain low-fat yogurt with a little bit of berry preserves thrown in for fun. OKAY.

Take back what you said, little girl, and while you're at it take yourself back, too

2010-09-13T23:04:00.002-04:00

- The White Stripes

I feel sort of oatmeal lately. Not even the kind that comes in a maple and brown-sugared packet. I think it's probably that I'm spending so much energy keeping my head afloat and trying to find a home for myself in the new worlds that I inhabit - Boston, grad school, my future professions. It's hard to be this vanilla-y, though.

I read something lately about two people meeting, and how they had a great conversation about the last most interesting thing that they'd done. The last thing? Hmm. I... went on an awesome road trip three years ago. Moved home for a summer before grad school. Failed at surfing. Taught my nephew an approximate monkey sound. Moved to Boston. Cried. Started classes. Got a library card. Listened to my friends cry. Did several loads of laundry. Are these not interesting things????????????

My cousin and I were talking on the phone last week, and I thought I was doing a pretty admirable job being myself. But I wasn't, and she asked me what was going on. I didn't even know where to start, or where to finish, and I don't know which problem to fix first. The happy, supportive friends and family that I moved away from? The need for new running and walking shoes? The inattention to my diet? The no mom? The need for a workout routine? The missing-my-iPod?

I'm just going to carry on. That's what both my mother and Tim Gunn would tell me, and I respect their opinions very much.

These are the days when anything goes

2010-09-05T23:14:00.003-04:00

- Sheryl Crow

All summer I ran errands and traveled and organized and procrastinated. No matter what you'd think a summer at home would be, there was not a lot of beach time or even la-la-la time. (Although I did get to the gym 4 times a week - thanks, Dad!)

As busy as the summer was, though, this fall is even more run-around-y. I'm learning Boston things. I'm learning school things. I'm learning life things. I'm trying to set health and life goals, but there are so many question marks that I think I might actually end up living in the moment. Scary, yes?

I'm keeping Longfellow's words in mind:
Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate ;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

You must be somewhere in London; you must be loving your life in the rain

2010-09-02T23:19:00.000-04:00

- The National

I'm off-kilter in a new city, but this is only day 3. And day 1 on my own. So I'll try to ignore the part where I felt overwhelmed by my first class's assignments; the part where I'm probably not eating enough and definitely not eating well and am I drinking enough water?; the part where I have a headache that came out of nowhere; the part where my possessions have thrown up all over my new room.

Life is about adventures, so I'm going to get it together and enjoy this one. But can I have a week first? Please?

Life's about film stars and less about mothers

2010-08-28T10:02:00.000-04:00

- Lily Allen

Right on schedule, it occurred to me tonight that Christmas is less than four months away. After two therapists and four Christmases, I've figured out that I don't like Christmas for two reasons. The first is the obvious one; my mom, who got a kick out of celebrating holidays of all kinds, died at Christmas.

The second is related to growing up, would have happened anyway, but isn't going to ease up with time: I don't know where to spend Christmas. The family that I want to spend Christmas with doesn't exist anymore. Unfortunately, two therapists and four Christmases later, I still don't have a happy alternative.

Know anyone who wants to welcome a surly 26yo into their holiday routine?

He's driving and striving and hugging the turns: he's going to distance

2010-08-26T22:51:00.000-04:00

- Cake

"The ensuing mental flabbiness is most evident in politics. Many conservatives declare that Barack Obama is a Muslim because it feels so good to say so. Many liberals would never ask themselves why they were so wrong about the surge in Iraq while George Bush was so right. The question is too uncomfortable."

David Brooks, "A Case of Mental Courage"

DISCLAIMER: I wouldn't actually recommend reading the article, as it begins with a graphic description of a 18th century mastectomy.

I rarely agree with David Brooks, especially considering that I read him about once every six months. But the above? I'm on board.

I need to engage in some personally aimed tough love myself - my sugar intake has gotten out of control lately, and the negative voices in my head continue to tap dance all over my self-confidence. Ask myself tough questions? Me and my journal are all over that.

Oh, where did the blue skies go?

2010-08-23T21:57:00.001-04:00

- Travis

Scientists have discovered that all human beings have a "happiness set point" - that just as our bodies have a pre-set weight to which they will tend to return after diet or binge, our minds are preprogrammed at a certain level of contentment.

Thus, the mood-altering effects of winning a Pulitzer or losing a spouse will rarely endure. Within a year, most people are again either the happy or morose persons they always were.

Therefore, the researchers suggest, the pursuit of happiness may be more successful if we give up hoping for triumphs and instead sprinkle our lives with whatever small gratifications - working in the garden, eating a favorite food - give us day-to-day pleasure.

From Foreign Correspondence, by Gwendolyn Brooks

Hello, food for thought, you taste like eating my words. So, I have all the control on my mood, on a day-to-day basis. Hmmph. Note to self: focus on the delish hot coffee and the great friend emails and the color of the sky, not the full trashcan or the crazy people or the broken air conditioning.

All the things we've written in it never really happened

2010-08-22T22:58:00.000-04:00

- Ben Folds

I'm thinking about stopping the blog. Mostly because I don't really understand why I'm writing in it. It's the self-indulgent aimless wanderings of my mind, and isn't that what journals are for?

Also: Why am I keeping my journals? Will I really ever sit down to re-live my life again?

I have a lot of questions today. And a lot of things to pack up. As Tim Gunn says, make it work.

I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself to hold on to these moments as they pass

2010-08-20T10:03:00.000-04:00

- Counting Crows

I have excellent friends. They host me for relaxing weekends. They make time in their schedules or even their vacations (!) for me. They put up with the fact that I'm always losing things and bailing when it gets past my bedtime. They send around StoryPeople that poke fun at our wee little control issues.

And my father, my sweet father: he wants his kids to be fiscally responsible or maybe even millionaires. Did you know that "according to Thomas J. Stanley's book, The Millionaire Next Door, only 20% of millionaires inherited their riches"? Me neither. But only 18% of millionaires have a graduate degree, so the middle Brother and I are fighting the odds on this one.

I will continue to make time for the people who think I could be a millionaire, one day, maybe (thanks, Daddy!) and the people who couldn't care less if I am. Is that Nicholas Sparks enough for you?

I just want four walls and adobe slats for my girls

2010-08-13T22:33:00.001-04:00

- Animal Collective

Instead of going out with an awesome college friend tonight, I spent 10 minutes watching a little frog hop around the living room, 20 minutes chasing it, and another 40 minutes worried that I was going to step on it, or it was going to die, in the living room.

It was just that kind of week.

When I hit crappy weeks while I'm already stressed, it gets a little ugly, and I always end up whining. Why isn't my mother here? I need her to kick my ass and tell me what to do!

Serious question: when you hit a wall in the game of Life, what do you do? Because clearly, crying for (or about) my mother isn't a solution. I'm my father's daughter: I need some answers, people, because this problem can be solved... just not by me. Yet.

Can I get a minute of not being nervous?

2010-08-12T22:07:00.000-04:00

- The National

I've decided that I need to come up with a good way to remember my family and childhood for my future self, and for (God/bravery willing) my children. I have all this stuff from my parents, especially from my momma. I'm happy to have it - better to have it than not - but that's not what really matters about her, or about us, or about growing up Coast Guard.

So I need to come up with a way to honestly recollect my family. Writing, I guess? It's a daunting prospect, even though I know (mostly, sort of, in spotty recollection) how the story goes. Once my lines are down, that will be the truth.

I'm thinking of Michael Ondaatje. And of Molly Wizenberg. And of the duties of a first-semester grad student. No pressure, right?

In this great future, you can't forget your past

2010-08-11T20:46:00.001-04:00

- Bob Marley

Lists of "things I'd tell my younger self" always irritate me. Durrr, of course you'd try to educate your younger self so she didn't make colossal mistakes or embarrass herself in front of entire list-servs. Let's face reality, 17-year-old me would have paid me no mind. I never listened to my elders.
"You're beautiful, enjoy it"
"College is going to be so great for you"
"Be bold, you'll get used to it"
"Take statistics"
"The cops aren't going to pull us over, stop hyperventilating"

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. I am the jobless nomad, librarian-ing up any day now, because I fought with my editor-in-chief for an entire semester before bailing on my media career; seek solace in (dark) humor at all the wrong times; and suck at math. I never went to prom; I still wish I hadn't stopped playing piano; and my mom was right, I should have spent a year studying abroad.

But I am who I am because I spent a semester living with my best friend; replaced music with Russian classes and socializing; etc to infinity.

Those "reminders to self" lists marginalize our choices. Sure, if I had to do it over again, I might change a few things. But, and it's a HUGE but: I have one life to live, and it's going to be gone sooner rather than later. I am making decisions as best as I can. And my mistakes have taught me a lot about where I want to go, who I want to be, and who I want to be myself with. Oh man, there are things that I wish I'd never done, oh. man. Every single one of them leads me to today, though, and if you can't tell via this blog - I'm pretty pleased with myself.

So: job well done, clueless, naive, and stubborn 17yo self. We did good.

I'd rather dissolve than have you ignore me

2010-08-04T23:26:00.000-04:00

- MGMT

I did some birthday-centric reflecting today, as dreamed up by friend AHM and here.

It was good. So frequently, life feels lighter when I commit it to paper: this is my life, my faults and my wins. Not to get all Harry Potter up in here, but it's my version of siphoning off thoughts so I can make more room for life's demands.

There's so much that has to be done before I move. And I'm facing a situation that I can't win, so I'm putting it off and will probably end up shooting myself in the foot knowingly. At which point I will throw up my hands and say, "what did I do to deserve this?!"

It's a good thing my friends can deal with a little blood loss, as discovered in this spring's wisdom teeth extractions.

One grinning wink like the neon on a liquor store

2010-08-04T09:02:00.004-04:00

- Iron & Wine

Sam Anderson, I don't know you, but I think this piece is exponentially well-executed. You're an excellent writer, sir, and you picked an interesting subject. Well, for people who are into pop culture, anyway, or people who sense the oxymoron in "academic slash movie star." I now think of James Franco as a more sane-ish Joaquin Phoenix.

I can't tell you what it really is - I can only tell you what it feels like

2010-08-03T22:49:00.000-04:00

- Eminem (who's been doing some great work lately)

I have a big August, full of visitors and road trips, planned. The month is starting with my birthday, a visit from the Coast Guard Academy barque, and a weekend with my best friend. It's ending with a move north, aided by my stepmomma.

I talked to one of my best friends tonight for an hour and a half, catching up and laughing and being carefree-as-possible-when-we-tackle-things-together-it's-all-fine, and I remembered how easy life can be when I think about the people I have in my life, instead of remembering the things that I don't have, or miss, or feel like I messed up.

I'm turning 26 today, complete with two homemade desserts from my stepmom - cake and ice cream, of course! I'm so happy about my life and so proud of myself that I've made it to this place. It's bittersweet - so bittersweet - that my mother isn't here to tell me everything that I need to hear. I feel like I'm still missing a lot of puzzle pieces. But she'd be really pleased with our family these days, I think. She would love Stepmomma. She'd want a piece of that chocolate cake. And she'd tell me, "I told you not to worry and that things would work out okay, silly!"

Right as usual, Mom - thanks. As my nephew says: happy the birthday to meeeee.

Oh, just to be with you is having the best day of my life

2010-08-02T12:22:00.000-04:00

- Dido

Every year, or at least while my oldest brother (The Eldest) was living at home, my mother took a "first day of school" picture. Even when I wasn't school-aged, I joined in - me too Mom, me too!

I love so many of these pictures. Our essence of young persons' embarrassment is on display: Oh, Mom. Taking the annual picture. *eye roll* And when I was wee, my affection for my big brothers is front and center. My buddies and me!

Thanks for these memories, Mommila, even though you are absent. I appreciate them muchly in your absence.

In the desert, you can remember your name

2010-08-01T20:01:00.003-04:00

- America

Of all those janky gossip blogs out there that spew boring, retread info, The Awl is BY FAR the best. And it's because they don't just publish janky, overly-hashed gossip. They publish great fictive writing and have writers that provide new and unique information on what's happening in the world.

In that vein, they recently published a list of "68 Fantastic British Names Gathered While Watching BBC Credits Over the Years." What a fabulous idea! For me, it's a tie between Lulu Popplewell and Derek Honeybun.

I don't know if you read novels or the magazines, if you love the hand that feeds you

2010-07-31T10:28:00.004-04:00

- Lisa Hannigan

I don't love Smart, Pretty, and Awkward. She frequently says twee/cliche things that I disagree with, and I do not like Urban Outfitters because it has made quirky fun style ideas into mainstream mass-produced cliches. That said, she linked to this list of 100 modern classic reads this week - which makes the blog well-worth the Google Reader real estate.

If you don't get excited about going over the list and checking out what's missing from it, then we probably aren't going to be friends.

All she wants to do is dance, dance, dance

2010-07-30T20:43:00.003-04:00

- Don Henley

If the bugs would stay outside, then I wouldn't have to stomp them to death with my barefeet. And then everyone wins. Do you see how that works, critters??

Great. Thanks.

The days can't be like the nights in the summer, in the city

2010-07-28T09:37:00.004-04:00

- The Lovin' Spoonful

Drawback of living in the non-city: The frogs at night. They are as numerous as the stars in the sky (was Abraham a frog?), and they are loud. Really loud. "Did I leave the radio on?" loud.

Benefit of living in the non-city: There is no rush hour. Traffic, to be sure, and always around the good places, like Target and TJ Maxx. But I don't have to leave the house 45 minutes early to beat the rush, ever. Rush hour does not exist here. Is this what heaven is like?

In the city, you see only light

2010-07-26T22:44:00.004-04:00

- Arcade Fire

I've been hot to and through my core for days, it seems like. I think it's finally getting to me. I keep daydreaming about mountains that can only be found west of the Mississippi; planning imaginary weddings for myself; and wishing my mother were here to either comfort me or kick my butt into gear.

I'd like to think she'd comfort me, but I think she'd actually make me start getting up at 6:30am to go the gym with her and eat spinach with a hard-boiled egg and a teaspoon of flax seed oil for breakfast.

I'll just run a few miles tomorrow morning to kick my own butt. Pretty sure I'm stuck with wedding fever for a while more. And I have to hope that the longing for mountains goes away, because I can't afford them anymore.

Won't you please, please help me?

2010-07-25T18:52:00.001-04:00

- John, Paul, George, and Ringo

It's not a good, relaxing weekend at my house unless I'm cutting my hands up to the point where everyone in the family stops for a second to decide: Does my finger need stitches?

It's just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby

2010-07-24T22:11:00.003-04:00

- Mariah

Today's wedding reception brainwave is sponsored by all the hipsters who have turned Rihanna's "Umbrella" into deliciously slow folky music.

IDEA: Wouldn't it be awesome to have a band at the reception who slowed down/romanced up something for the couple's first dance? Rock songs or even pop stuff can be a little too boppy for a first dance... until you get the band to hook you up!

Just consider it. "Your love is my drug" or "Fantasy" for a first dance? Everyone would remember it, and most of them (if your families have good taste) would think it was totally awesome.

Listen to the sound

2010-07-22T23:02:00.002-04:00

- The New Pornographers

Random memory of the day, brought to you by "Moving home for the summer and re-living my high school years." My drivers education teacher referred to crappy drivers as "jacklegs." In a sentence: "I can't believe that jackleg just cut you off!"

Go forth and apply correctly.

Seasons don't fear the reaper, cmon baby

2010-07-20T23:09:00.003-04:00

- Blue Oyster Cult (more cowbell!)

I talk about grief a lot here, I know, and I'm sorry. Or, rather: I would be if it weren't for that whole Circle of Life thing. (Sing it out, you know you want to) It just is. People are always dying. Good, bad, young, old, sick, or impossibly healthy people. The dead are runners, smokers, CSA members, suicides, lovers, all the above.

Religion is a tricky thing, and can be used to do good; or, to do bad. But it embraces the role of death in everyday life, or at least: has allowed me to embrace death and grief in my life. Which is good, because I feel like I'm always turning corners and running into the Reaper. The cartoon version, of course.

I bumped into grief again today, and so, per my custom, dug out the Anglican Common Book of Prayers' "funeral sentences." Catchy, right? The book was written in 1662 - give 'em a break, they were struggling to live without the joy of Hot Pockets. Anyhow, I like the funeral sentences. Would it be weird for a Roman Catholic to go for the Anglican burial service?

Postscript: in case you can't get that Will Ferrell/Walken cowbell SNL skit out of your head now, just watch it.

Don't want to meet your daddy - just want you in my caddy

2010-07-20T22:06:00.000-04:00

- Andre 3000

I like Ruth Bader Ginsberg. I saw her speak while I was in college, and she was frank and conversational and did a lot as a woman in a time where women faced barriers around every corner.

So when I saw that her husband had died, I got a bit sad. But his obit made me really happy for her. (I'm weird like that.) This bit's my favorite: "It's not a sacrifice; it's family."

FYI: they're in the running for cutest academes ever. Which is a little niche, but maybe I collect cute academics OKAY.

I'd go the whole wide world to find out where they hide her.

2010-07-19T22:28:00.002-04:00

- Wreckless Eric

I took a small selection of my grandmother's romance novels to see what all the fuss was about; she had an extensive library of romances, dating to the early 80s. They are, sadly, nothing to fuss about. And they definitely follow a formula:

- Forceful young woman
- An man 5+ years her senior
- Man is either (a) an unknown stranger or (b) someone who FYW has tangled with in the past
- Woman is (a) in love but doesn't want to admit it, (b) admittedly in love but thinks he could never love her back
- Man respects woman for chutzpah; woman melts in the man's arms instantly despite said chutzpah
- Man and woman communicate with ridiculously unbelievable openness after knowing each other for (insert time of days or weeks only; always quickly)
- Man proposes to woman and all is well

And yet, despite their formulaic whatever-ness, I can't stifle my impulse to write a romance novel according to said pattern. After I'm done with all my other projects this summer, I'll get right on that!

Thanks for bringing the joys of predictable literature (does it qualify for that noun?) to the table, Harlequin et. al.

Left to my own devices, I'm addicted - it's a crisis

2010-07-12T14:23:00.004-04:00

- Kei$ha (Ed.: my bad, Ke$ha)

I have an apartment in Boston! Maybe. I also have: a ridiculously long to-do list; a dying grandmother; a huge mending pile; and issues with dressing myself.

I miss the days when the most pressing question to answer was, "no really, what would you do for a Klondike bar?" Pretty sure those days are gone.

The thingmabob that does the job is bibbidi-bobbidi-boo

2010-07-02T22:15:00.000-04:00

- Cinderella

Random thought of the day: My auntie L would make a great fairy godmother. I hope in another universe, she's moonlighting as a fairy; just as I like to think of my mother as happily bowling with her aunts.

I want to be a good woman and I want for you to be a good man

2010-07-01T16:23:00.004-04:00

- Cat Power

Phone call with a grandmother: an approximation.

Me: Stepmomma is fattening me up! I can't help but gain a little weight, even when I go to the gym most days.
Gran: Well, you better be careful, don't men like skinny women?
Me: But some guys sorta like love handles, so maybe I'll be okay.
Gran: (in her SHOCKED and APPALLED voice) You shouldn't be hanging out with that sort of man. Heavens. You can do better than that!

She has a point, honestly. Oh, Catherine.

Going down the only road I've ever known

2010-06-30T23:04:00.002-04:00

- Whitesnake

Dear Dude:

Oh, sure, feel free to ask me a totally generic question over e-mail. What's going on here you ask? With my life? Well, take your pick:

Visits with the family spread across the United States
A memorial service that broke my heart
Quality time with a young man that enjoys drooling and dog barks (he's 10 months old so it's cool)
A grandmother who's been in the intensive care unit for five weeks
Rediscovery of my obsession with David Boreanaz during the "BtVS" years, me-ow
An apartment search that resembles dating via match.com
Student loans asdlkfjoiwerjakfd
Quality time with stickshifts, yessssss
Yoga!
Mom-treasure sorting, organization, and re-shifting
Friend visits and The National shows

Still not sure what to say in response, D. Things here? Things here are flexible. And complex. And defy e-mail description, especially if we're sticking to your word limit of ~150. I'm an English major. I need at least two pages, double spaced.

Love,
500 words minimum, final offer

Would you stay if she promised you heaven? Will you ever win?

2010-06-25T23:16:00.000-04:00

- Fleetwood Mac

Today I was reminded to do something that I find tricky business: I forgave myself for being me. The neurotic overthinking; the constant, blunt, personal questioning; the intense focus on things that are inconsequential in the long-term; the stubborn and fast-holding independence.

I won't stop working on my more irritating habits - the questions are probably here to stay, sorry. But I do work hard to be myself and be it well. And today I forgave myself for the flaws that I still find, despite my hard work.

An extended family member committed suicide a few weeks ago, and I didn't write about it here because I didn't know what to say. I did not know him well and suicide is such a complicated subject.

But I can say now: Z was my age, a baby of 1984, a veteran, a student, an energetic force to be reckoned with. It shattered my world, still does, to think that someone my age, living in my city, loving my people, could not see a future for himself. All I could think was: I need to be my family, as often as I can.

Z's family and friends will never know what exactly drove that final decision, but he alluded to an unknown life failure that was unforgivable in his eyes, by his personal standards. His loved ones, those members of his urban family, his boyfriend - they would have forgiven it, I believe. As it is, they now have to forgive him for his choice of suicide instead.

So, do yourself a favor: in the name of a former Navy medic, forgive yourself today. Failures happen. The good news is that we're all imperfect, so you can give the gift of forgiveness as often as you receive it.

I have passed the test but never really understood the reasons why I took it in the first place

2010-06-22T14:35:00.003-04:00

- Cake

I reallllllly love reading. Don't take my word for it: talk to the 356 books on my goodreads. I also realllllllllly love road trips; proof: 30,000 miles in 13 months, doing circles around the US. Sadly, since I was 8 or so, my reading does not overlap with car rides. I get headaches when I try to read in the car (while someone else is driving, obvi) and my taste in books on tape is geared toward cheap entertainment rather than actual good reads.

But I may, may, have found a car trip activity! It occurred to me today as I stared at my giant sewing pile. Recently I've been going through my closet bit by bit, to edit out the ughs and alter whatever needs a little nip-tuck. My sewing skills are limited to hand and on a random night, I'm not usually interested in squinting over my needy clothes.

But! That could all change! Button holes and elbow patches are coming along on this weekend's family road trip. Will alterations keep me amused without the headache?? STAY TUNED.

[I just re-read the above. When my kids ask to move back in one day, I will hand them a copy of this and say: "You can live at home but just know: effects include getting excited about crappy chores."]

Don't hand me no lines, and keep your hands to yourself

2010-06-20T12:58:00.001-04:00

- Georgia Satellites

I love my dad a lot. I love books even more. But I'm not sure how I feel about reading to your kid every night even when she's in the high school play or as she's going off to college. I won't judge, though: I go to church every week the way they read together every night, and it truly does make the world feel survivable.

I'd rather play board games on Friday nights; laugh at old movies with Sunday morning brunch; or watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer with the old man. We, along with my mother, were big fans. Which you might think is a little weird, but I ask you - weirder than every night for 18 years in a row?

Happy Father's Day to the guy who taught me the importance of hard work, good health, and great hair.

There's a great black wave in the middle of the sea

2010-06-15T22:38:00.002-04:00

- The Arcade Fire (who are in DC, or have been recently, sigh)

The best thing about living at home is taking trips to Costco on someone else's dime. Costco is the non-fictional Diagon Alley - there's no telling what I'm going to find there; it's changed everytime I'm there but there's some consistency as well; my senses are always overloaded - free food! snorkeling equipment! clothes! ooo those pistachio cluster squares that send even my sweet tooth into shock!

I may be terrified of the future's challenges. I may not have a job or leave the house some days. I may not be able to commit to a monthly cell phone bill of more than $60. But I'll always have $1 froyo and a few hours to spare scoping out the Costco.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Were it not for the way you taught me to look/ at the world, to see the life at play in everything,/ I would have to be lonely forever.

Now when I say "hey," y'all say Mama

Visible horizon: right where it starts it ends

You can go your own way

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

I dream of circles perfect

A likely story, but leave a message and I'll call you back

We can always play by ear

No one does it like you.

Sorry I'm not home right now, I'm walking into spiderwebs

This morning, I woke up, feeling brand new; I jumped up, feeling my highs and my lows in my soul

A moment for love stories: In life

A moment for love stories: In the press

Day 17: Lesson learned

The Truth

Day 18: Try

Day 19: Healing

Day 24: Everything's OK

Day 23: New name

All you have to do is call my name, and I'll be there on﻿ the next train

Day 16: Friendship

Day 20: Beyond Avoidance

Day 21: Future self

Day 22: Travel

Seems fitting for today

Noël

December 21, 2006

This is how to get behind on #reverb10

Day 14: Appreciate.

Day 13: Action.

Day 12: Body integration

Day 11: 11 Things

Day 10: Wisdom

This is harder than I thought it would be.

O tidings of comfort and joy

Day 9: Part(aaaaaaaaa)y

Day 7: Community

Day 8: Beautifully different

Day 6: Make

Day 5: Let Go

Day 4: Wonder

Day 3: Moment

Day 2: Writing

What became of the blue slip we once knew?

Day 1: One Word.

You've got the love I need to see me through

You all look like beautiful stars tonight

Holding tight to what's been felt

My friends say I should act my age. What's my age, again?

How many days can you waste it, boy?

Holding my heart out but clutching it too

I want to be like water if I can / Cos water doesn't give a dam

You should leave if you can't accept the basics

Leave all your love and your longing behind: you can't carry it with you if you want to survive

There's gonna be a party when the wolf comes home

tell me, oh tell me

the one where love wins, againand again...........and again.

Wanting not to want you won't make it so

I keep my visions to myself

Your absence has gone through meLike thread through a needle.Everything I do is stitched with its color.

You're too tall, much too tall for a boyfriend.

Sleep now and dream of who you'll be when you finally become someone.

I said, "Fate takes time"

Just sitting here, spinning the world on one finger

If you're for-real and not pretend, I guess you can hang with me

Pretty girls, you're too good for this

I wanna be the one that means the most to you

Take back what you said, little girl, and while you're at it take yourself back, too

These are the days when anything goes

You must be somewhere in London; you must be loving your life in the rain

Life's about film stars and less about mothers

He's driving and striving and hugging the turns: he's going to distance

Oh, where did the blue skies go?

All the things we've written in it never really happened

I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself to hold on to these moments as they pass

I just want four walls and adobe slats for my girls

Can I get a minute of not being nervous?

In this great future, you can't forget your past

I'd rather dissolve than have you ignore me

All you have to do is call my name, and I'll be there on the next train

the one where love wins, again
and again...........and again.

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.